Today’s #Blogtober16 prompt is ‘What are you afraid of?’ I could talk at some (boring) length about my various fears and phobias – I’m a mess! I don’t like clowns, I bloody hate moths, balloons set me right on edge and don’t even go there with v**it (can’t even type it!) I’ve had some treatment for that last one, but it’s not been a huge success, mainly because looking at pictures of people with their heads down the loo just doesn’t appeal.
So, I thought I’d go a bit deep and meaningful and talk about what I’m really afraid of.
I’m scared of the future. I’m scared that I don’t know what it holds and how it’s going to pan out. I like to be in control – I don’t like uncertainty. But that’s exactly what our future is, isn’t it?
And when you parent a child with special needs, it’s even more uncertain, both long term and in the short term. At the moment, we’re dealing with the news that the school Small attends may not be able to meet her needs, so we’re looking for alternatives, just when we thought we had it all sorted. Long term, we really have no idea of how she’ll manage, whether she’ll be able to live an independent life, whether she’ll have a job or a relationship… It’s not what you imagine when you’re carrying that baby snug in your tum, but it is what it is and we’ll deal with it. I just don’t like the not knowing! Along the same theme, I’m very afraid of what will happen to Small when the day comes that we’re not around anymore. Petrified.
I’m afraid that my parenting isn’t good enough. I think as parents, we all go through times when we doubt ourselves and our abilities to do our best for our children. I do it a lot. I’m learning, though, that sometimes ‘good enough’ is enough! And our children don’t judge us anywhere near as harshly as we judge ourselves and they’re the ones that matter, aren’t they?
I’m worried about the world that we are raising our children in. It’s all gone a bit wonky recently, and that concerns me. What kind of state will it be in for our children’s children?
The trouble with worrying is it doesn’t do any good. And I don’t say that easily; it’s taken me a long, long time to even begin to realise this, and it doesn’t mean I don’t worry! But I’m really trying to not worry as much about the little things and the things that really are beyond my control. I will always have fears and I’m sure these will change and evolve as time goes on, but hopefully I won’t let it impact on our lives too much!