I feel as though I’m breaking. I am juggling too many balls and sooner or later, one or more will drop. What scares me is that I can’t drop those balls. I must not break.
I’ve written before about how stressful life can be, especially when you have a child with additional needs and all of the stuff that goes with that. I got through that period, and life carried on. At the start of this year, I finally felt more content, with Tink finally settled in her new school and making great progress. I had found my groove with my blog, and also started my Virtual Assistant business, which was going well just by word of mouth recommendations! I was really enjoying my work; I was busy, but happy, with just the right amount of challenge.
Our decision to take H out of school to educate him at home was one of the most difficult we’ve ever had to make. But, I am so glad we did. In less than three weeks, I have my son back. Gone is the anxiety; the daily nausea, the lack of appetite, the anger – both verbal and physical. Don’t get me wrong – he still has his stroppy moments and can be sulky, but he’s a tween, and it would be weird if he didn’t! He smiles lots, he’s laughed plenty, he’s more engaged. I’m enjoying spending time with him so much, whereas before, I didn’t like him very much. I didn’t want to be around him. As a mother, that’s really hard to admit.
But, the price I’m paying for this now is that I am tired. So very, very tired. I am now trying to run a business, a blog, a household, and home educate my child. On about 5 hours sleep a night. On anxiety medication. On a wing and a prayer.
Trying to find the right balance between spending time with H doing ‘educational’ stuff, and working isn’t easy. I’m not there yet! I feel lost; I like to have a plan. Until now, I’ve had a schedule for every day, broken down into 15 minute chunks, so I know what I need to be doing and when. It works for me. I feel in control. But now? Now we just wing it. And I feel out of control!
Sometimes we plan the night before, writing on the whiteboard what we’re going to do the following day. Sometimes we wait until the morning to see how we feel. Work just has to be squeezed in here and there. If H is taking a break and playing on the computer, or up in his room, I’ll jump on the laptop. As soon as Tink is in bed I’ll catch up with work, write a blog post, schedule my social media posts. There are so many courses and webinars I need to look at so that I can progress my businesses, but I just can’t find the time right now. Just when I was feeling settled and happy with how life was going, I’m now doubting if I can manage it all.
I used to take pride in my appearance; I can’t even be bothered to put makeup on now (nothing will hide these dark circles!) and comfy trousers and a hoody is my uniform. I’ve put on so much weight, I don’t think I’ve ever been this big, but I don’t even have the energy to do anything about it. I seem to have lost friends, I didn’t have much ‘me time’ before – I have virtually none now. I am running on empty, but breaking is not an option. I am the glue holding this family together.
I must not break.